“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
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Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Every girl who tried using telekinesis after watching Matilda reads tarot cards now
Them: when imma see you
Me: By accident
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*bursts into room
Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN
Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!
*holds up single kernel of corn
*gets violently beaten
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys
[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies