@ThugRaccoons

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

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@KateWhineHall

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

@SomeChrisTweets

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

@DaddyJew

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

@lzrdskyn

Every girl who tried using telekinesis after watching Matilda reads tarot cards now

@justabloodygame

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

@DaddyJew

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

@LMHPhotog

*bursts into room

Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN

Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!

*holds up single kernel of corn

*gets violently beaten

@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

@MavenofHonor

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies