*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy