@chuuew

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

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@doktorj

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

@omically

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

@aveuaskew

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

@kevinrowe1

My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.

@lovemyboots111

I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off

@Phook75

Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

@PinkCamoTO

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.