[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

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*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?


saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert


“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.


My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.


I hate when I stand on a scale and it starts to cry and begs me to get off


Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now


ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight


*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.