[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
You Might Also Like
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors