*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

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Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen


There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.


I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.


Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you


I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.


I hate when people say,
“You barely touched your food” like what do you want me to do stroke it?


Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.


I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.


[Starbucks meeting]
ME: Sorry I’m “latte” haha
BOSS: Aren’t you the guy we fired for biting a customer