If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.