*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
You Might Also Like
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY