[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
You Might Also Like
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?