*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses: