*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
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date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
*has no idea what a book even is*
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
A roof is a house hat.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Best misinterpreted text ever!
good let them take over I have had enough
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon