*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

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A good sign that you’re not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.


20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.


Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!


We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life


I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?


7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”


If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.


WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?


When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener