*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
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[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home