*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
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ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.