*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
You Might Also Like
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass