@dataisplural

*gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it’s not what it looks like!

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@kelkulus

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

@sassiocity

Me: He died of natural causes.
Cop: You pushed him off a cliff.
Me: Gravity is natural.

@GalaxyofGhosts

My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.

@CrockettForReal

You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

@PaperWash

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

@Manda_like_wine

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

@E_lok44

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

@StephenAtHome

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”