*gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it’s not what it looks like!

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Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.


Me: He died of natural causes.
Cop: You pushed him off a cliff.
Me: Gravity is natural.


My favorite part of every Christmas special is when Santa’s sleigh and all the reindeer lift off from a roof and head for the distant horizon instead of the house next door.


You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.


[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim


Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.


If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.


I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”