I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
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*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Hot hot hot 🥵
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen