I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
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Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
reviewed some movies recently
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I feel this so hard
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.