*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
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GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”