[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
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A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.