[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
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Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]