Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh