Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
You Might Also Like
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am