Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]
Me: One ring to rule them all.
[I put on the ring and vanish forever]
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After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Coworker: What’s your phone number?
*looks up from phone*
Me: I don’t have a phone.
*looks down at phone*
Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
ME, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
SHERIFF: can i help you, son?
ME: has..*sweating profusely* has anybody seen my horse?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!