Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day
[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]
Me: One ring to rule them all.
[I put on the ring and vanish forever]
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Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Me [sneezes]: excuse me
Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.