@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]

GF: OMG!

Me: Babe?

GF: Yes?

Me: One ring to rule them all.

[I put on the ring and vanish forever]

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@Plexomatic

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day

@Dallani

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

@missekay

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

@kivtur

Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

@SondraDeeMe

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

@AmericanGent69

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

@UnfilteredMama

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.