@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee with ring box]

GF: OMG!

Me: Babe?

GF: Yes?

Me: One ring to rule them all.

[I put on the ring and vanish forever]

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@StevieKnip

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

@RunOldMan

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: What’s your phone number?

*looks up from phone*

Me: I don’t have a phone.

*looks down at phone*

Coworker….

@duplicitron

Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.

@3sunzzz

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

@sonictyrant

ME, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

SHERIFF: can i help you, son?

ME: has..*sweating profusely* has anybody seen my horse?

@rn_murse

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

@fowlerism

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

@ericsshadow

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

@spacewizard_t

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!