Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy