[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
all bases covered
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.