@jake_likes_naps

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

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@TheHyyyype

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

@ThaJawn

Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?

God: no…..

Angel: *holds up platypus

God: a little..

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

@ayyyyloser

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

@rebbeckles

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

@Bookbunny6

Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.

Me: Same! Just waxed!

Him: What?

Me *smirks*: What?