By DAY he’s just a regular accountant. But at NIGHT he becomes a trash ravaging raccoon…
Coming this fall on Fox
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When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Man: hey you.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away
M: ugh. i hate my name.