@ElliotHetherton

*gets down on one knee*

You Might Also Like

@jazmasta

By DAY he’s just a regular accountant. But at NIGHT he becomes a trash ravaging raccoon…
“Raccountant”..
Coming this fall on Fox

@mikeysny

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

@OllyiConic

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

@Baldylockzzz

Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars

@PostCultRev

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

@Cheeseboy22

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

@david8hughes

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

@GrantTanaka

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

@UnFitz

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

@crylosec

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.