[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
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Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?