*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Why font matters.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.