why do birds
you are near
and how do u
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.
I feel like my parents grossly overstated the number of times I’d be offered candy by strangers.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Sometimes I’ll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don’t have to hear her talk.
Imagine if people still used typewriters!
We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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