@Death_Buddy

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

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@jonnysun

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

@BlondeFacade

I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.

@foxnerdrn

I feel like my parents grossly overstated the number of times I’d be offered candy by strangers.

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

@Parentpains

Sometimes I’ll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don’t have to hear her talk.

@Ghetto_Trophy

Imagine if people still used typewriters!

We’d have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other.

@sarahwcurtis

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

@TheAndrewNadeau

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

@ShortSleeveSuit

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus