*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business