Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
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[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.