*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
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Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.