[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
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If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I just ran a .003048K
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.