My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.
*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*
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You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.
I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.