@hazelmotes1

*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*

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@StoneAgeRadio13

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

@SonOfCha

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

@Cpin42

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

@BraandoCommando

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

@SamGirlSunday

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

@PaperWash

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

@VexingVixxen

Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.

@Ron_White

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

@DaddyJew

[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?