HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*
You Might Also Like
You are my sunshine.
In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Lets make it happen guys!
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah