@hazelmotes1

*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*

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@Pumpkinbabypie

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

@_steamy_mac

You are my sunshine.

In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.

@philmann

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

@PinkCamoTO

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

@LindaInDisguise

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

@dieworkwear

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

@AGStr8upNinja

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

@murrman5

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah