The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real zombies.