@hazelmotes1

*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*

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@underrateDad

My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

@Tups13

You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.

@Darlainky

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

@jazmasta

Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don’t have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries

@slyoung5

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

@astutenewf

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

@Dawn_M_

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

@Xoolun

My wife tells me she wants me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away.

I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.