* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
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pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.