* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
You Might Also Like
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]