*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.