[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
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even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*