I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
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It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Midwest trash talk