*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
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Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.