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Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick