“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction