My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.
*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED
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Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I’m a purple hippo online