@murfect

*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
*opens Twitter*
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED

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@benedictevans

My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.

@iGreenGod

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

@Rollmaninoz

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

@notalogin

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

@RuthAnnJoy

“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
-country music

@eedrk

you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor

@brendohare

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

@MomOfTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

@NicestHippo

If any of you guys are considering law school, please keep in mind I passed the bar exam in multiple states & now I’m a purple hippo online