*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
concern
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
B
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
just having fun
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Shower sex be like:
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered