@jctwritesstuff

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

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@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@iwearaonesie

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

@KentWGraham

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

@ladybroseph

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

@ThugRaccoons

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

@causticbob

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

@jonnysun

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

@JmeGarza

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman