Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
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9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman