“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.