*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
You Might Also Like
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I’m calling the cops.
😂💯
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality