*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*