*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
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Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]