@WineMummy

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

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@Prof_Hinkley

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

@Tierno158

My motto is “Grab Life by the Balls.”

As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named “Leif.”

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@biscuitahoy

When you look at Twitter’s trending topics, it’s a lot easier to understand why they have to write “Do Not Eat” on silica gel packets.

@dhilliard74

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

@dugglebutt

I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.

@QwertyJones3

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

@ozzyunc

Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.

@nypost

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

@Sickayduh

“Well, congrats. You’re a homeowner now. Any questions?”

“Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn’t the Decepticons just bid on em?”