*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.