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@WineMummy: *gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
@Love_bug1016: Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
@heelyfanaccount: [meeting gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t tell my dad about us having sex he’ll freak out about me getting pregnant
her dad: hey man you coming inside?
me: [visibly panicking] whaat no, i would never
@jellybnbonanza: You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
@emiliobadilio: Friends that check up on you >
@YUCKYBOT: Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.