[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
You Might Also Like
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.