*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
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Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!