*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I like crazy people until they notice me
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Ferrari squats
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too