*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.